Packing my Bags.

I piled my clothes in a corner of my room all summer long, throwing a modest t-shirt or teacher-esque skirt over every few days. I continued to let the pile grow until it began to topple over, but I still did not want to admit to myself that I would be leaving the comforts of my own home and my own COUNTRY for such a lengthy period of time. My pile grew and grew and grew until the evening before I boarded the plane to Cambodia when I absolutely had to shove my whole pile into my suitcases. I was able to stay in denial until the last possible moment I could.

My situation, now almost six months later, is quite opposite and yet still as I walk around my apartment in Phnom Penh, I think I feel similarly. I could have never imagined one hundredth of an idea of what Alex and I actually have experienced throughout our time here. I have been blessed in more ways than I can count, and at the same time the time these months have been near to the most difficult months of my life.  Through months of prayer, many tears, a lot of laughter, moto accidents, floods, a robbery, English tests, Tuk-Tuk rides, lots of tofu, and a knife wound, God has finally allowed me to come to terms with the fact that it is time to wrap things up in Cambodia.

I remember my thoughts walking into Cambodia Adventist School for the first time. First of all, I questioned what was wrong with my body and why I was constantly wiping sweat from my forehead at 6:45 in the morning. Secondly, I questioned why I ever thought coming to Cambodia was a good idea.

 I sat in the very back corner of the classroom as we had staff worship. As one of the teachers led out in song service, I used the singing as a time to muffle my sobs. I couldn’t hold anything back…I just sat there and cried like a little baby. I imagined the Khmers watching me and wondering what the heck was wrong with the new white girl. I could have been crying over the heat alone, but truthfully I was distraught solely from my own doubts. I have never doubted myself more in my life. I let my mind try to sort out the mess of thoughts that swirled around inside of my head but it was near impossible. I started throwing out words to God about how wrong I was to have ever thought of myself as capable of teaching real. live. children..in a foreign place with foreign people and foreign accents and foreign smells and foreign sounds and foreign feels.

“God, I quit” I said.
…….“Amber, I’m not allowing you to do that” is what I got back.

“God, no really…I’m inadequate for Your calling..”

……”Amber, I designed you for this. Everything I have let you experience in the past has built you up for this.”

“UGHLLKDLKJALJDFSJDFKJA GOD SERIOUSLY!” is what I wanted to say to that, but instead I went into bathroom and got some tissue.

The months from that moment until now have been so surreal to me. I can say with complete sincerity that God is responsible for carrying me this far. Some days go by and I feel like it is a miracle in itself that I am still standing after a day in my classroom, and other moments have been so close to perfection that I can see with clarity the ways that God is working here.

Two weeks ago, my students had no clue of heaven, but yesterday one of my little boys looked at me and said, “Tee-cha, even if you can not come back to Cambodia, I know that I will see you in heaven”. I made him shake my hand and promise that he meant it. God is working His way into these kids, and it’s a beautiful thing to watch. Knowing that Alex and I have been a part of  the process is one of the most amazing feelings in the world. However, at the same time I have to remember that there is only so much God designed for me to do here.

Here’s the big news: mainly for health and safety reasons, it is now my time to think about starting my pile and packing my bags over. Again, I get to feel like I did this past summer before leaving America: anxious, stressed, and in denial. Now, Cambodia has become my home. Cambodia holds so many memories of obstacles overcome, so many precious faces that will forever be burnt into a special place in my heart, so many moments of clarity with God. I would be lying if I said that I was not afraid to leave this place behind. As I look down at my now healing wound, I promise myself that I won’t. I just simply will not leave this place behind.

Cambodia will forever be a part of me. Cambodia has quite literally left its mark on me, right on my left thigh. I promise myself that when I look at my scar, instead of thinking of the pain that once was there, I will think of all of the beauty this place offered me. I will think of my sweet students, the ones who wanted me to stay forever. I will think of how selfless and giving some of these people have proved themselves to be. I will think of the way it felt to see my Buddhist student walk into church for the first time in her life, because she wanted to be like her teachers. I will remember how God helped me accomplish something that from day one, I never thought was possible. Then, after thinking about all of those things and more, I will pray.

 I will pray for Cambodia for the rest of my life, because this place has changed me. I will never be able to fully express how much this experience has meant to me, and I will never be able to fully express how much love I still want to give. Still, God’s sent His signs. I have to trust He has a different plan now.

With that said, America, I’m coming home.